Safe To Try Again

Trigger topics: Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Graphic Descriptions, Language

“ Even though they knew the circumstances, the surgical team still had that air of judgement about them. As if this were truly something I enjoyed doing. As if they couldn’t see the tears rolling down my face.”

Guess it’s time to share my story.

I’ve been pregnant three times.

The first two didn’t want to stick.

The first was never going to be anything more than a clump of bloody cells. It could cause issues for me. Two pills, a shit ton of pain and tears, and 48 hours later, I was safe.

The second started great. The first 5 weeks were normal. Then came the bleeding. And the puking. And the terrible, horrible pain. I went to a first (male) doctor who told me all was good. He did a second ultrasound, long enough to see a mass in my uterus and that was that.

Few more weeks went by. More pain, more bleeding, more puking.

I went to a second doctor (female) who actually took the time to look closer.

I should have been 12 weeks along.

The fetus had died at 6.

For 6 weeks my body was trying to rid its self of the corpse in my body, but it couldn’t.

This one required a surgery.

And a psych evaluation before.

Young nurses, just doing their job, asking me if I had thought about the implications of my choice.

Asking if I had thought of any alternatives. They knew it was dead. I knew it was dead. But we sat in that room, three young women, crying, asking and answering the questions we’d rather never utter.

Time for surgery. Even though they knew the circumstances, the surgical team still had that air of judgement about them. As if this were truly something I enjoyed doing. As if they couldn’t see the tears rolling down my face.

But 30 mins, and 2 weeks recovery later, I was safe again.

Safe enough and healthy enough that when time for pregnancy attempt number three came, I could do it.

Because I was able to get the life saving procedures I needed, I can now be a mom to an amazing little boy.

But if I couldn’t have taken those pills… or had the surgery… neither of us would be here.