A Tale of Two Abortions, 16 years apart

Trigger topics: Miscairrage, Pregnancy, Medical Complications

“ Here's some things I didn't know: I didn't know it would hurt to lose a pregnancy I didn't want. I didn't know the procedure I went through was considered an abortion.

I didn't know the internet would target me as being pregnant for so long; the ads, so many ads. ”

Abortion looks different each time.

The first time I was pregnant I was 20 years old, dating an awful human, and one of the least healthy versions of myself. When I was at my first doctor's appointment, I was terrified. As the normal checkout commenced, there was already concern. Since the age of 15, I have been on blood pressure medication. Add in an unhealthy (20-year-old) lifestyle and an unwanted pregnancy, and my body was reaching extreme levels. It was a doctor at Planned Parenthood who walked me through my options. She was kind, knowledgeable, and could tell I wasn't an excited mother-to-be. She explained to me that because of my blood pressure level there could be decreased blood flow to the placenta, it could harm my other organs, it would have serious implications on my heart, and in the end could kill me. At this point, an abortion was a lifesaving decision.

Fast forward sixteen years... I have two undergraduate degrees, two Master's degrees, have found the love of my life and married him. We live in a beautiful home, have a wonderful dog, both have full-time jobs, and even own a rental. (None of which would have been possible without the first abortion, let me add.)

It is November, I find out that I am pregnant. I cry.

My husband stays positive. This was not a planned pregnancy. It took about three weeks before it started to sink in that it was really happening. I was constantly reading how to be the most healthy pregnant version of myself, was online shopping for baby stuff (there is a LOT of baby stuff out there), and was even looking at names. My thoughts and feelings had shifted. I was still nervous but there was a shift. It was December 23rd, my parents were to arrive at noon, there was a baby reveal Christmas present planned. My miscarriage started at 10:00 a.m. I lied to my parents about where I went and why I felt the way I did. They didn't need to know.

Here's some things I didn't know: I didn't know it would hurt to lose a pregnancy I didn't want. I didn't know the procedure I went through was considered an abortion. I didn't know the internet would target me as being pregnant for so long; the ads, so many ads.

I didn't know that in two and a half years, my choice to have either of these procedures would no longer be mine.