Surviving the Dalkon Shield, but not the Stigma

Trigger topics: Dalkon Shield, Pregnancy, Relationship Violence

“ I had a difficult and medically complicated situation at a young age, with no support, and I felt like I couldn’t share it with anyone, not even my mother or best friend. I know I am not alone in keeping this secret.”

Choice is personal but it doesn’t have to be vilified.

Even though it has almost been 50 years, telling this tale takes me back immediately to a time in my life which I have kept private. I had an abortion- something people do not talk about. I told no one about it at the time and have shared minimally about it since. Why couldn’t I share about this incredibly difficult time in my life? Fear of judgment and criticism from others; shock that I would do such a thing. Simply uttering the word abortion out loud invokes shame, guilt, bad choices. I did not, and still don’t, feel guilty about my decision to have an abortion at that time, but sharing my story about it felt demeaning because of the context surrounding it. Still does.

At this age, I feel incredibly blessed to have birthed two children after my experiences and the choices I made in my twenties.

Lucky to be able to get pregnant again.

Grateful that my body healed.

But also, very thankful I had the choices I did at that time.

Twenty years old, with a steady boyfriend and a Dalkon Shield on board. If you don’t know, it’s a wicked looking and dangerous IUD developed in the 1960’s. Reminds me of a tick. I am still shocked when I look at the picture and imagine it sitting inside my uterus. Totally frustrated with side effects and complications from the Pill, I chose this as an alternative. Little did I know they were tested for how effective they were, but not for safety. I was one of the many women who had complications which led to the decision to take this IUD off the market.

The monthly cramps were horrendous, but I thought it was worth it to avoid pregnancy. One day while hiking in the mountains, I had disabling pain - which resolved by the time I got home, so I didn’t seek care. I skipped my next period but didn’t think much about it because, of course, I thought I was protected. Then the next month, no period again. Still didn’t think I could be pregnant!

I will remember to my dying day how kindly the health care provider (an early nurse practitioner) handled this situation: She took me outside to the front steps and we sat down together in the sun. After gently breaking the news that I was pregnant, she also explained that the string of my IUD was missing. Shock, dismay and disbelief. How could this happen and how could an IUD get lost? I was aghast that I was about 12 weeks along. An x-ray determined that the IUD was imbedded in my uterine wall. What?!

I had two scary choices. One: attempt to carry the pregnancy with the inherent risks of miscarriage, potential deformities in the baby, and/or serious infection, which could lead to miscarriage and possible hysterectomy. Two: a D and C (a surgical procedure to remove tissue from the uterus) to abort the pregnancy and during the process, try to pull the IUD out of the muscle wall of my uterus. If they could not remove the IUD during the D and C, I would need another surgery. My twenty-year-old brain could not fathom all of this.

This was 1974. I didn’t know much about abortion or even talk about it with my friends (and certainly not my parents!). I didn’t know anyone who had had one, or at least no one had told me. There were a lot of secrets during that time. Young girls often disappeared for a semester of school to “live with an aunt” in another state to hide a pregnancy. Back then, there wasn’t the flood of information available that there is today. I didn’t even know Roe v. Wade had happened the year before. Words like pro-choice and pro-life were not even used yet. I was uneducated and oblivious- until this happened.

I was extremely relieved to hear that the IUD was removed when I had the D and C, and I felt sure that ending the pregnancy was the best choice for me and my future fertility. I was in college, had a job, and the pregnancy had caused problems in my relationship. My boyfriend wanted me to continue the pregnancy, with nary a thought about MY health and what could happen to my body. We argued frequently and he almost became violent one night. His lack of support and the reveal of his true colors ended the relationship for me.

I had a difficult and medically complicated situation at a young age, with no support, and I felt like I couldn’t share it with anyone, not even my mother or best friend. I know I am not alone in keeping this secret. But why is there such a stigma about abortion? Why can’t we share these intimate experiences and open others’ eyes to what we have gone through and the choices we have had to make? We should not have to carry the burden of these stories alone.

It is time for that to change. Choice is personal but it doesn’t have to be vilified. I hope the silence and shame decreases and that we come together to share our stories as we fight the overturning of Roe. I was lucky that abortion care was available to me 50 years ago, and I feel strongly that changing the narrative surrounding this topic can help us as we strive for safe and legal abortion care. Maybe open and honest conversations can decrease the stigma and change hearts and minds.